poorqueequeg

voice

[The last experiment was... not so nice for Scully. Between appeaeing as her dead dog and singing in Korean, it was not a good week.

So her voice comes on the network with a single request:]

Tell me a joke, Luceti. I don't care how bad. I definitely need some humor though.

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What did the earthbender say to his wife when she threatened to leave him?

[PAUSE.]

"Hey! Don't take me for granite!"

[Sokka bursts out laughing.]

A guy walks into a bar and says: OW! [You did say you didn't mind a bad one!]

Edited 2012-08-09 15:10 (UTC)

Why do you rarely find Amarcians spending time at the beach? [Wait for iiit.] Because they have sine and cosine to get a tan and don't need the sun!

[HA HA HA.]

What did the skull say when he won a race?

[Here it comes...]

I'm ahead! Bwa ha ha!

How many rabbits does it take to change a lightbulb?

[Wait for it. Waaaait for it...]

Only one, if he hops right to it!

What happens wheen you cross three Moas with a Guta? Just the Guta.

You know an AI has problems when it keeps calling "General Failure" out of a "Major Malfunction", and blames it on "Private Pictures".

Jorge is so big, when the UNSC said "Reach", he said "88 inches".

Helljumper training has three phases: The first is separating the boys from the men, and the next to split the dumb from the Smart. Finally, the dumb ones jump.

Good things AI don't cry. What use is a construct that's down? Maybe it's putting the AI in wail. Or being a hollowgram.

If a Brute has a hammer and is the leader of the pack, would you say it's a "Chimpion"?

What's the difference between a group of Second Lieutenants and a Spike grenade? Nothing. Either way you end up with a load of pricks.

Scorpions. Grizzleys. Wolverines. Cobras. I just wanted to say Tanks.

.......

How do you fit fifty Pichus in a Warthog? Poke 'em on.

What do you call an egg that goes on safari?

[Pause.]

An eggsplorer.

Alright, here's a good one.

So, an invisible man marries an invisible woman.

[She lets that sink in]

The kids were nothing to look at either.

Ah got one! What d'ya get when ya cross an apple an' a shellfish?

[Drumroll, please...]

A crab apple!

A joke, huh? All right... let me think...

[He then grins as he begins to tell his joke, using different voices and mannerisms for each of the different characters.]

So, a man walks into a bar and he's got a shoe box wit him. He sits down at the bar and asks for a beer. While he's waiting, he sets down the shoe box on the counter and opens it. Inside the box is a tiny grand piano, a flawless little replica! What's even more shocking is when he then pulls out a little man! An actual living little human man! The little guy immediately sits down on the tiny stool at the tiny grand piano and begins playing Flight of the Bumblebee flawlessly.

The bartender is awestruck and while he's cleaning a mug for the newcomer he pops him a question, "Where in tarnation'djya get somethin' like that?"

The guy explains it was thanks to a genie he'd freed from a lamp that he'd found. At this point, the bartender thinks he's drunk and ignores him and hit little toy. A nearby drunk, however, becomes extremely excited, drawing up closer to listen to the little man at the piano before asking if he still has the lamp.

"You don't want the damned thing," the man with the shoe box explains, "it'll bring you nothing but trouble."

"Maybe for you, pal, but today I'm feeling lucky. Now where's the lamp?" The drunk isn't deterred at all by the strange warning. The man with the shoe box sighs and when he speaks again it is with some reluctance.

"I tossed it into the trash out back where I found it first."

The drunk flees the bar without another word, practically diving into the trash to find the lamp. When he does finally come across it, he lets out a whoop of joy and rubs with all of his might. Finally, with a puff of smoke, a genie appears before the drunk and speaks with booming gusto.

"I am the genie of the lamp. I will grant you your hearts desire but you may only have one wish. Choose wisely, oh Master."

"I wish for a million bucks!" The drunk, so lost in his happiness at the very idea of being rich, doesn't waste a breath. POOF! In a cloud of smoke, the genie vanishes back into the lamp and the drunk finds himself surrounded by ducks. Hundreds, thousands, maybe even one million ducks! All quacking wildly and struggling to move.

The drunk screams in rage and kicks his way through the swarm of endless biting beaks and feathers to get back into the bar. He sits down next to the man with the shoe box and shouts, "YOU RIPPED ME OFF! I OUGHTA KILL YOU! YOU THINK I WISHED FOR A MILLION DUCKS?!"

The man with the shoe box sighs and shakes his head.

"I'm willing to bet the genie's hard of hearing. I mean, come on, man, you think I'd really wish for a twelve inch pianist?"

Tadaaah. You like?

Edited 2012-08-10 00:25 (UTC)

What did the fisherman say to the card magician?

Pick a bass, any bass!

O-Oh, um, wait, that's not how it goes...

Just for you, a science geek joke:

Two atoms are walking down the street and they run in to each other. One says to the other, "Are you all right?"
"No, I lost an electron!"
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah, I'm positive!"

[He pauses a moment.]

...You should be thankful I didn't make it a Uranus joke instead.

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